I'm Still Here
by Inukag-Obsession
Summary: Hiatus... It had all started one morning, one that Kagome would never forget. How such an argument could have led to her love’s death, she would never understand. IK Rated NC17
1. The More You Turn Away

**I'm Still Here**

**Chapter I – The More You Turn Away…**

**AN: This fic is dedicated to InuGrrrl, the queen of all angst. I hope you like it! Thanks for writing such awesome fics, gurl!! 33**

"Since we're stopping here for a few days…" Kagome started uneasily, "I'd like to go back to my time for a little while…" As usual, they had been chasing Naraku, who had gotten away. They were now walking together, Kagome on Inuyasha's back, her legs securely wrapped around his waist, his hands under her knees. Sango and Miroku were walking close by, Kirara following them happily. Shippo was nestled on Kagome's shoulder, his breathing steady as he tried to sleep.

"Why?" Inuyasha asked gruffly.

"I need to get some stuff…and maybe see my family…and friends," she added hesitantly. "I miss them, you know?"

Inuyasha thought for a moment. He didn't mind her seeing her family, as long as she came back. Her friends, though… He imagined those three squealing girls; Yuka, Eri and Ayumi… And that _boy_ they kept talking about. Hobo, Homo… something like that. He didn't like it when she saw them. They were always trying to get her to "go out" with Hobo, and kept telling her how bad Inuyasha was for her. They wanted her to leave him… He growled at the thought.

"Keh, fine," he agreed reluctantly. "But I don't want you seeing that Hobo guy."

Kagome blinked. Surely she hadn't just heard that right. "_Excuse_ me?" she said through gritted teeth. "Who are you to tell me who I can and cannot see?!"

Inuyasha growled in irritation. "Listen, wench! I've already let you go, so why don't you fucking do as I say for once?!"

Kagome pushed herself off of Inuyasha's back, almost falling on her back in the process. Shippo, who had been comfortably curled up on her shoulder, was now listening intently. "You don't own me, Inuyasha!"

"Oh, really?" the hanyou sneered. "Then who the fuck does?!"

"Nobody owns me, _baka_!!" Kagome yelled, stomping her foot on the ground beneath her. "You're such an insensitive jerk! What if I want to see him? He's my _friend_!"

Inuyasha growled. Hobo got the same title as him? Both were her _'friends'_? And what if he wanted more than that? Before he could stop himself, Inuyasha ground out, "Your _friend_?! He's your friend? Then what am I then, bitch? A friend, too?!"

Kagome blanched. Was this a trick question? "You're…umm…" she stuttered. "Hey, did you just call me a bitch?!" she screamed, smartly avoiding the subject.

"Wh-what?" Inuyasha blinked. "You were just –"

To push away the unwanted subject even more, Kagome huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm sick of your calling me a bitch, Inuyasha!" When he was about to protest, or _explain_ his words, she continued. "I am not, and nor will I ever be _anyone's_ bitch, get it?" When she saw his mouth open to say something, she quickly specified. "Not even _yours_."

Kagome hadn't realized the meaning of what she had said until it was too late. There was sort of a mutual and unspoken understanding between the two that they would be together, eventually. Without intending to, Kagome had just shattered all of Inuyasha's hopes of her returning his feelings. Although he had heard her say many times that she wouldn't leave him, Inuyasha wasn't very trusting of that; he was very insecure about her feelings for him. She had promised him to stay until they'd found all of the shards, but what would happen after that?

"I didn't really – " Kagome tried to say as she fidgeted nervously.

"Keh. Whatever." Inuyasha looked her in the eye for less than a second, and she could have sworn that she saw a flicker of pain in his expression. "Do whatever you want, wench. I'll be around. We're pretty close to the village already, so you can all go ahead," he added gruffly before leaping onto a tree, and then another, until they couldn't see him anymore.

"Inuyasha…" Kagome whispered as she felt tears behind her eyes. "Inuyasha!!" She yelled. But he didn't come back. Somehow, Kagome knew she had gone too far, and something was going to happen. She shook her head, willing the tears away. _'Oh, calm down, Kagome,'_ she told herself, _'it was just a simple fight…'_

But it wasn't. In the three years she had come to know Inuyasha, they had fought _many_ times. Yet this time, it seemed more important, more serious. This one seemed like it might ruin their relationship… _'What relationship…?' _Kagome thought sarcastically. She sighed loudly and turned to face the others, who, she now painfully realized, had been listening the whole time. Shippo had jumped off of her shoulder, and she hadn't even noticed. Both Sango and Miroku were staring at the ground nervously, not daring to look up at her. "Let's go," she managed to say coldly.

As Inuyasha had said, the rest of the walk hadn't been long; but to Kagome, it had felt like a lifetime. All she wanted to do was get home, take a warm bath, snuggle in her bed with a good book and just relax; forget that this argument had ever happened.

Yeah; easy to say.

She had succeeded in taking that warm bath, and getting in bed. Concentrating on her book and forgetting the argument were a tad harder. She kept thinking about Inuyasha and how he must have felt. She could only imagine the hurt she must have caused him. Kagome sighed sadly. She had always wondered what would happen after the shards were collected. She knew she had promised to stay with him until then, but what would she do after that? She would want to stay more… Hell, she wanted to stay with him forever, but would he want that?

Kagome's shoulders slumped. There was also Kikyo. Sure, she was dead, but Inuyasha still thought about her a lot. Tears formed in Kagome's eyes again. She wasn't sure how, but she knew something was going to happen. She knew this time she had really gone too far.

As a tear rolled down her cheek, Kagome got out of bed, determined to talk to him. She knew he felt something for her and she desperately needed to tell him how she felt. Changing into her school uniform, she went to say goodbye to her family.

"Already, dear?" her mother asked sadly. "We haven't been seeing much of you these past few months…"

"I'm sorry, mama," Kagome apologized sincerely. "I might be back in a day or so…" _'Hopefully, I'll have made up with Inuyasha by then…'_ she added silently.

After a few goodbyes, and packing her huge yellow bag, Kagome was jumping into the well. When she got to Kaede's hut, her friends were having dinner…except Inuyasha. They all greeted her warmly, happy that she was already back, but she hardly noticed…or cared. "Isn't Inuyasha here?" she asked, hoping they would inform her that he was sulking on his tree, as usual.

Immediately, Sango's face fell. "No, Kagome…" she said uneasily, "we haven't seen him yet…"

"Oh…" Kagome managed to mumble.

"I'm sure he'll come back for dinner, eventually…" Sango tried. She had never seen Inuyasha skip a meal. Actually, she had never seen Inuyasha skip Shippo's meal, either. Staring into her friend's eyes, she realized that Kagome was truly worried about the hanyou. "It'll be fine," she assured her soothingly.

Kagome nodded slowly, silently hoping that Sango was right. She quietly excused herself to sit outside. The air was cool, not cold enough for a jacket. Kagome walked to the Goshimboku and sighed. "Inuyasha, are you here?" she called out. When no one answered, she sat at the bottom of the tree, her back resting against it. She didn't understand what was wrong with her. How many times had she and Inuyasha fought? Hundreds, at least. She felt the familiar tightening in her throat, signaling that she was about to cry.

Not even bothering to stop the tears, Kagome cried. Tears traveled down her cheeks to the corner of her mouth as soft sobs escaped her pouting lips. How stupid she had been. She knew what a bitch meant for an Inu-Youkai. She should have been _flattered_ when he called her a bitch. When he called her _his_ bitch. She knew what he had meant with the word, yet she had thrown it away like trash. "Yash…" she whispered as she brought her knees to her chest, circling them with her arms and burying her face between them.


	2. The More I Want You to Stay

**I'm Still Here**

**Chapter II – …The More I Want You to Stay**

"Kagome," a worried voice chided. "Kagome, wake up…"

Blue eyes fluttered open as Kagome frowned. She couldn't see anything. Why couldn't she see anything? "Sango?"

"Hai. You fell asleep and I found you here. Come back to the hut, it's not safe out here…" Still half asleep, Kagome nodded as memories of her day started to catch up with her. _'Inuyasha…'_ She winced at that particular memory.

As she followed Sango to the hut, slowly taking control of her thoughts, she managed to ask, "Is Inuyasha back yet?"

Sango hesitated. She wanted to tell her friend that he was here, just so she'd relax already, but she knew Kagome would want to see him; and besides, her friend would be very mad at her in the morning.

"No," she sighed. "Be he will be back by morning. Don't forget that he thinks you're in your time right now. Sleep, for now."

Kagome wanted to protest, but was too tired. Instead, she let her friend help her lay out her sleeping bag and curled up inside it. She fell asleep with an image of her hanyou in mind…

XX

Miroku was sitting next to the fire when Sango woke up the next morning. She silently walked over to him, sitting in front of him. They nodded at each other, attempting to smile. With only a glance at his posture, Sango could tell he was as worried as she. "He came to me for advice a few days ago," Miroku said. Sango's head snapped up, her eyes meeting his, as she nodded for him to continue. "He wanted to ask Kagome out on a 'date' – I assume Kagome has told you about those things…" When Sango nodded again, he continued. "He said he really wanted to go on a date with her, but didn't know how to ask." The monk smiled fondly at the memory. "I told him to ask her, simply. He didn't seem so…convinced. I think Kagome really crushed him yesterday…"

Sango nodded, tears filling her eyes. "You don't think he's coming back, do you?"

Miroku looked up at her, staring in her beautiful chocolate orbs for a second. No, he didn't think Inuyasha was coming back. Miroku knew all about heartbreak, and being rejected by the woman you loved. And even if Inuyasha was stubborn, and wanted to retrieve all of the shikon shards, he couldn't just waltz back in, without this same fear of rejection.

"I don't know, Sango…" he answered finally. "We'll have to see."

They sat in silence for what seemed like hours, each pondering the depth of the situation, until Kagome finally woke up and joined them. They both stared as she sat down next to Sango, her eyes glued to the flames, lost in her thoughts. She didn't say a word, didn't even nod at them. Miroku wondered if she had even realized they were there.

Shippo didn't try to sit in her lap, or ask for any chocolate. Sango didn't protest when the girl from the future didn't want any breakfast.

And most importantly, no one mentioned Inuyasha.

XX

Hours went by slowly as Kagome sat under the Goshimboku tree. It made her feel safe, reminding her of her hanyou. A soft sigh left her mouth as she rested her head against the trunk of the tree. She twirled the pencil she was holding between her fingers, reading an old entry in her journal"

"_Yash pulled a fit again, today. We were walking near a river, and Kouga came by, of course. As usual, he held my hand, and all that. Inuyasha seriously got mad this time. Something about my being in heat? I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm a female dog. So, I went to talk about it with Sango…"_

Kagome's eyes misted as she remembered the particular conversation with her friend. They had talked about mating, and other youkai terms and actions. Sango had interminably joked about Kagome and Inuyasha 'mating'. That was when she'd learned what a 'bitch' really meant for an inu-youkai. She sighed at the memory, flipping the pale pages of her diary to open a fresh, new one, and writing the date. She then moved the pencil to the first line and oddly, the words flew from her mind, into her hand and onto the paper, as she wrote, and wrote, and wrote. She was almost tempted to close her eyes and let the words flow, but didn't want to ruin her journal. She had started it a few days after meeting Inuyasha, and it was full of wonderful memories – happy and sad. She kept it well hidden, disguised as a math book (she had written "MATH" on the cover) so that Inuyasha was never tempted to look inside.

It seemed like hours had passed when she stopped writing. She had went on and on about how stupid she was, had babbled about the argument, castigated herself, worried about where Inuyasha was and whether he was coming back – all on paper – until she had filled up pages, and pages. Every page was stained with tears, until Kagome believed she had cried herself dry.

And surely, after long hours, around dinner time, she was feeling a lot better, having convinced herself that Inuyasha thought she was still in her time, and that he would be back a few days later. He couldn't be mad at her forever – right?

And so, to Sango's great pleasure, Kagome finally headed back to the hut. She helped her with dinner, gave Shippo some candy, listened to Kaede babble about her herbs, and even watched Miroku hit on Sango. She smiled to herself, wondering why she had freaked out so much over what seemed to be nothing.

Later in the evening, when Sango had taken her to a warm bath in the hot spring, she had explained her situation to her while they were undressing.

"So I think we should really worry in a few days, only," she stated. "He's mad at me and needs some time to himself. If he doesn't come back for me, he'll come back for the shards." Kagome swallowed hard. Would he, really?

'_Of course he will!'_ She yelled in her head. _'Why wouldn't he? It was just a fight!'_ But it wasn't; she had already figured that out, hadn't she?

Sensing her friend's discomfort, Sango turned to her. Kagome still hadn't stripped of her school uniform, and Sango was still wearing her inner yukata. Thankful that they were both still quite dressed, Sango pulled Kagome into a hug, where Kagome closed her eyes and sobbed.

"I'm trying to c-convince myself that it will all b-be fine…" she struggled to say. "But who am I k-kidding, really?"

Sango's eyes softened, as she patted Kagome on the back softly. Inuyasha couldn't leave them, could he? Sango had always seen him as an alpha-type male, a pack leader. He wouldn't just leave them and give up, she was sure of it. He would come back, at least to continue the search for the shikon shards. She understood very well how much Kagome had hurt him, but also knew that as much as Inuyasha was hurt, he loved Kagome – or at least her presence. He would come back. He _had _to. "Don't worry, Kagome…" Sango soothed. "He'll come around, trust me."

Kagome nodded, pushing herself out of the hug gently. She had always been this way: when someone gave her a hug to comfort her, she relaxed, and let out all of her emotions. That was why she dreaded hugs sometimes; she was afraid to break down and cry.

She slipped out of her clothes and into the hot water. It had been two days since she'd seen him – since the morning of the previous day. In the morning, it would be around 48 hours. It was alright for him to be away for two or three days… He should be back about four or five days later… They would only go looking for him after that period of time, she decided. _'But he'll be here by then,'_ she reminded herself as her eyes closed and her body relaxed. It was just so different since she knew he was mad at her…

XX

**AN: My loves, I'm so terribly sorry!! This chapter was meant to be posted a WHILE ago, but I didn't get the chance to, and then I had computer problems… So here it is, late and short, but I figure I had made y'all wait enough. **

**I'm deeply sorry for everyone who reads this and who appreciates Inuyasha more than Kagome… bear with me, guys. This isn't all Kagome related. How would it be an IK if it were? 0.**

**Thanks & answers to…**

**Axel720: Thanks sooo much. I realize that this plot has been used a lot of times before, but I really hope mine will be different! Thanks for the feedback!**

**TrinityK: Thank you!! I'm glad you like it, and that you get the emotions I was trying to push through. **

**Caitriona: Thanks for the review! And yes, she did step into a lot of shit…**


	3. Cold

**Chapter 3**

**Cold**

Three more days.

Three more days of Hell. Where the fuck was he? Kagome was starting to panic. He'd been gone for five days already. She was officially worried. Maybe something had happened to him. What would she do if something had happened to him? How would she ever live with the fact that he had died without knowing how she really felt about him?

Even Sango was starting to show signs of worry; she had stopped trying to comfort Kagome. Not to mention Shippo, who kept crying for his father. Miroku was the only one who kept calm, and didn't add on to Kagome's worrying. He might have been biting his nails on the inside, but he kept it well hidden.

Kagome spent her time walking around in the woods, wanting nothing more than to crawl in a corner and die. Her journal was being filled with depressive entries; in all of them she was blaming herself if ever anything had happened to Inuyasha.

She had cried so much that she believed it was impossible for her body to produce new tears. She was at that numb stage, the one where you focus on your pain, and on nothing else. All she thought about was him, and Sango was seriously starting to worry about her friend.

It was the morning of the fifth day that Koga came around… He had sniffed his way to Kagome, and had immediately taken her hands in his. "You've been crying," he'd said. "What has that dog done to you this time?!" He had left Kagome unprotected, and she was crying… When he would get his hands on him…

Kagome had just stared at him, and whispered, "He did nothing to me. I'm the one who hurt him."

This time, Koga hadn't been cocky about them fighting. For once, he had understood that it was serious, and that teasing Kagome about it, or that professing his undying love for her and asking her to become his mate (for the millionth time) wasn't the good thing to do.

And then he had pulled her into a hug, and breathed her scent in deeply.

And this was when Kagome had realized something very smart.

"Koga!" she exclaimed. "Could you do me a favor?"

"Anything, Kagome," the wolf responded, believing this was going to his favor.

"I'd like you to try and find Inuyasha… Since you have a sharp sense of smell, it shouldn't be too hard for you, right?"

Koga frowned. No, it wouldn't take him long to track down the mutt. Why had he left, anyway? As painful as it was for Koga, even a blind person could see the attraction between the hanyou and the miko. Thoughts began to form themselves in Koga's mind. Why had Inuyasha left so suddenly? Had something went wrong in their 'relationship'? Was he coming back?

By the looks of it, Kagome was very upset, and Inuyasha was probably gone… for a while, at least. This was a very good thing for him… He could take advantage of Inuyasha's absence and Kagome's vulnerability to get close to her. And if finally Inuyasha came back, Kagome would have fallen in love with Koga and forgotten about the hanyou completely.

"Of course, Kagome," the wolf answered, not even trying to hide the hypocrisy in his tone. But Kagome hadn't even noticed, as a surge of relief flooded her senses. She was finally going to see Inuyasha again!

"Thank you, Koga!" She grinned, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "I owe you, big time!"

"Anytime, beautiful." He could really get used to this, he thought. "But you have to come with me. I wouldn't want you staying here all by yourself."

"Of course!" Kagome chirped. "I'll be very happy to come with you!" Nothing could begin to express the joy Kagome felt at the moment. She smiled at the wolf demon. "Can we leave yet?"

XX

Sango worried her bottom lip as she stared at Kagome. "I think we should go with you."

"You'll just make it take longer!" Koga whined, yet again.

This had been going on for about thirty minutes already. Kagome had explained to Sango what they were going to do, and Sango had insisted to go with them. She thought everyone should. Kouga, who only wanted to spend alone time with Kagome, thought they were going to slow them down.

"Kouga's right, Sango…" Kagome said shyly. She wanted to find Inuyasha as quickly as possible, and if Sango was going to slow them down, she figured she'd rather go alone with Kouga.

Sango stared at Kagome for a moment, and opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Miroku. "I don't think so, Kagome. I can help track down Inuyasha's youki with my spiritual powers – "

"So can I," countered the miko.

The wind was blowing through the autumn leaves on the floor, the only sound breaking the crushing silence. "Listen, Kagome…" Sango started. "We don't want you on your own… And besides, we're wasting time, already."

Kagome gaped at her and then sighed, casting a pleading look to Kouga. "Alright, alright," he blurted out in desperation. "Let's just go, for the love of Kami."

"Yes, let's go!" Kagome answered with a meaningful look. She wanted to get to Inuyasha as fast as possible.

And so Sango, Miroku and Shippo settled on Kirara, Kouga held Kagome on his back like Inuyasha usually did, which made Kagome's eyes tear, and they all left. The whole time, Kagome felt her heart pounding: she would finally get to see her hanyou again.

She made up a bunch of scenarios in her mind – she would run up to him, kiss him, apologize, kiss him again, and then see where that would lead. Just thinking about it made her stomach coil and Kouga was surprised to smell her arousal. _'Already,'_ he thought. He was persuaded that she was turned on because she was on his back.

They flew through the forest, Kagome questioning Kouga about his nose every now and then.

"Are we close?" she asked when she started to see water.

"Yeah, I think he's around here."

Kagome felt her heart pounding harder and harder. Her throat was tightening and her insides twisting. She wanted to see him so bad! They'd been looking for him all day already, and Kagome thought the last few minutes were the worst.

Sango, Miroku and Shippo were watching her carefully, each feeling relieved. They could hear their conversations, and Sango was thankful to know they were getting close to Inuyasha.

"We can stop here," Kouga said, and they all stopped. Kirara got back into her cat size and Sango held her tightly.

"Thank you," she said with a smile. Then she added, turning to Kouga, "See? We kept up with you."

Kouga nodded in response, asking Kagome to follow him. They all walked behind him for a few minutes, until he got to the end of a cliff, and looked down. "The smell is coming from down there," he said.

Kagome looked down, and then frowned. "But all I see is water…"

"Maybe he went for a swim," Shippo suggested.

Kagome ignored him, and started jumping down on rocks that were stuck to the cliff.

"What the hell are you doing, woman?!" Kouga yelled. "This isn't the time for mountain climbing."

But Kagome wasn't listening. She grabbed on to rocks and tried to settle herself on the bigger ones. There was sort of a platform lower, and she saw something red… She stared down; tears in her eyes as she hurried down the cliff. She scraped her leg twice, heard Kouga protesting, and Sango begging him to leave her alone.

She felt the blood trickle down her knee, but couldn't care less. She jumped onto the platform and felt her heart skip a beat.

There was Inuyasha's haori.

Inuyasha's _bloody_ haori.

She let out a little scream, before everything went black, and she collapsed.

XX

**Oii chicas :: smiles :: **

**Don't kill me for updating late!! (It's my birthday today so I guess that can be my gift from you all?)**

**Soo sorry though… I had a major block.**

**And I know this chapter is really short, but it was such a great place to stop.. Lol.**

**IK / InusMistress**


	4. Quiet Pain

**Chapter 4**

**Quiet Pain**

The sun was burning when Kagome's eyes finally fluttered open. And then closed again. All she could think of was the pain on her skull. Why was she hurting so much? She tried to get up, but felt a hand push her down gently. Someone was talking to her, but she couldn't really make out who it was, or what they were saying.

She tried to force herself to remember what was going on. How long she'd been out, she had no idea; but she knew she hadn't just fallen asleep, especially with the throbbing and banging she felt in her head.

The last thing she remembered was going down the cliff… then she'd hurt her leg. And then suddenly, all fell into place.

She'd seen his haori… His bloody, ripped haori.

But there was no sign of him.

She opened her eyes again, and stared up. Sango was holding her on her lap.

"Are you feeling better?" the taijiya asked with a smile.

"Yeah," Kagome uttered, pushing herself up a little.

"When you fainted, you fell on your head," she said. "And you'd hurt your leg, too."

Kagome nodded slowly. "I'm feeling a lot better," she lied. She took a couple aspirins and then rubbed her temples. "The cut on my leg isn't bad, is it?"

"No," Sango answered. "It's nothing important. You just needed rest."

"How long have I been out?" Kagome wanted to know.

"About three hours," Miroku sounded from next to her. She turned her head slowly to look at him. They both had a serious expression on their faces.

Kagome didn't know what to say. She wanted to ask them if they had found Inuyasha, but it was obvious that they hadn't. Or else he'd be there next to her, holding her and telling her how stupid and reckless she was.

Oh how she missed his annoying judgmental tone right about then. "You didn't find him, did you?" she asked, her eyes closing again.

"No," Miroku said. "But Kouga is talking to a few villagers around here. They said they saw a white haired demon lying on those rocks." When Kagome looked up she could see them a little farther away.

Kagome bit her lip, her eyes instantly filling with tears. She got up, careful not to move too fast, so she would stay conscious to hear what the villagers had to say to Kouga.

"Kagome!" Sango protested. "You're not feeling well enough to be walking!"

"Yes, I am. I'm fine," the girl from the future countered as she made her way to where Kouga and the villagers were. She really was feeling better actually. She knew she would be able to walk to where they were and join in the discussion.

So Sango didn't stop her, and Miroku just stared at her go. "I don't think he's still… still…" Sango whispered. She just couldn't bear to say it.

"I know," Miroku agreed, his voice breaking. "I know…"

When he smelled Kagome close to him, Kouga turned. "Kagome!" he exclaimed. "You're up!" He held her close to him for support, then turned back to the villagers. Then softly, he said, "These kind men were just telling me that they had seen Inuyasha lying on the rocks there, and that he was hurt."

Kagome's eyes lit up. If they'd seen him, they must have helped him. "What did you do?" she asked them hopefully.

One of the older men, Hadushi, looked at her, and then back at Kouga. "I don't understand how you can spend your time with these demons," he spat. "But we didn't spare the disgusting creature. I pierced a knife through his chest and then we all threw him in the water," he finished coldly.

Through the whole time he'd been talking, Kagome's eyes had widened and her throat had tightened. To hear someone talk about hurting Inuyasha that way was so infuriating, frustrating, that she forgot about crying, about her skull still pounding, and just threw herself at him with a cry of rage. "You heartless bastard!" she yelled, clawing at his face while he tried to push her away. The villagers around them, and Kouga, were too surprised to react. She was yelling and hitting him, her nails scraping his face, her fists hitting his chest.

She looked quite mad, and everyone around was now looking at her. Sango and Miroku had gotten up and ran to her, understanding exactly what was happening. "Kagome, stop! It's no use!" Sango yelled, trying to pull the girl away from Hadushi.

"He was already dead!" Hadushi screamed, pushing her off of him and straightening his robes, panting. "I just wanted to make sure before pushing him into the water."

Kagome panted heavily, tears flowing down her cheeks. "You could have saved him!" She cried. "If you'd known him, you would have known that he wouldn't have hurt you! He wasn't a mad youkai who would kill any human he saw! He had a heart, unlike you!" Sango held her close, stroking her arm gently.

When Kagome looked behind her, she noticed all three of them – Sango, Miroku and Shippo – crying. Kouga had a cold expression on his face, and then turned to Kagome and signed. "Let's get the fuck away from here," he said.

As they all walked away, Kagome sobbing on Sango's shoulder, Kouga looked back with a strange look on his face. He looked at the men, then at the water, then took a long sniff, and shook his head.

XX

They had only been walking for about thirty minutes when Kouga decided to stop, so that Kagome could get rest. She pulled out her sleeping bag quietly, and just lay in it. No one talked to her; they all just stared at her silently, wondering what they would tell her if they packed up the courage to say something.

She'd been silent since they'd left, which didn't happen to her often. She was tempted to take out her diary and write, but it seemed that it wasn't enough this time. It wasn't nearly enough to make her feel better.

Not to mention that everyone was staring at her, and she didn't want them to know she owned a diary.

She just lay there for a while, thinking, and crying silently. It had all happened so fast. One minute she was on Kouga's back, happy that she was going to see Inuyasha again, and the other, she was finding out that he was dead.

How all this could have happened, she had no idea. It had all been such a simple argument, such a small fight – but now, she would never see him again.

She felt her eyes close as she cried herself to well needed sleep, to where nightmares of happy memories awaited her…

XX

Sango and Miroku were also quiet, sitting together against a tree. The houshi was holding his love in his arms, caressing her arm absently. They both wanted to think, wishing they could have done something to help. Sango was feeling responsible – after all, if she'd thought of asking Kirara to track down Inuyasha, they might have been able to find him in time…

But none of them could even imagine how Kagome felt. It was after all her fault that he'd gone off in the first place, and she was the one who blamed herself most. They had unconsciously realized that if you don't hold the person you love close, you might lose them in an instant.

Kouga was sitting close to Kagome, wondering what to do. He could smell the tears on her cheeks, but didn't know what to say to her. Perhaps she wouldn't even want to talk to him; she would want to be alone after what had happened. Was it his place to comfort her? Not yet.

And so they all sat there, watching her sleep. Shippo had been weirdly quiet the whole time, and was staring at Kouga wearily. The wolf demon would stare back, challenging the kitsune to say what he was thinking.

But it was all over now, Kouga thought. Kagome had heard from the villagers that Inuyasha was dead, and would stop thinking about him. Soon enough, she would fall madly in love with her wolf in shining armor, and all would turn out well.

Or so he thought.

XX

**Sweeties!**

**Another short chapter, but at least I didn't make y'all wait too long, ne:: smile :: **

**So here it is, depressing, and I'm not too pleased with it… **

**Now, I'm surprised to be getting reviews like "I don't like where this is going…" or even "The summary wasn't appealing". **

**Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it DOES say I/K. Now how would the pairing be I/K if there isn't any in the fic? **

**I'll let you think about that. I think I've made it quite obvious that Inuyasha and Kagome are a forever-in-life-and-death couple, haven't I? So stick with me guys, I promise, you'll love me pretty soon :: smile :: **

**I'm quite pleased to say that my block is subsiding, and that I am writing like mad (especially now that I have finals coming up and that I should be studying. Ironic, I know). **

**I'll try my best NOT to update until Friday June 8****th**** (end of my horrendous exams), but you all know my writing always wins over the need to study. :: siigh :: **

**Oh well, I'll stop rambling about, now.**

**Love, IK/InusMistress**


	5. To Defile

**Chapter Five**

**To Defile**

**AN: So sorry for the wait sweeties! Exams kicked my ass, and now I'm on vacation in my home country, and not finding much time to write. I'm really sorry, and will try to write faster, seeing as this is getting interesting.**

**This chapter is not intended for readers under the age of seventeen. **

The next morning, Kagome just tagged along with the others quietly. Both Sango and Miroku tried talking to her, but she would only nod, shake her head, or go "hm." They were really worried, and hoped that she would start responding to them soon.

Kouga, on the other hand, hadn't tried saying anything. He just led them to where he smelled traces of Naraku. He wanted to ask Kagome if she sensed a jewel shard, but knew she wouldn't bother to try. He didn't think she was able to concentrate on finding jewel shards anytime soon.

Shippo only followed after them like a sick puppy, not even bothering to get on Kagome's shoulder. They were considerably slow, since they were all walking, and Kagome found herself missing the way Inuyasha carried her on his back, the smell of his hair that she often washed with her own shampoo – without the others' knowledge, of course – and the way his hands felt on her thighs, warm and secure…

She felt tears pooling in her eyes but didn't try to stop them. She didn't care if anyone saw her crying anymore. Kouga had smelled it, though, and so had Shippo. They both turned to look at her. Shippo then turned his attention to Kouga, and glared at him.

When Sango noticed this, she pulled him into her arms. "I know you miss Inuyasha," she said. "But Kouga is not replacing him. Yash could never be replaced." Before she knew it, her eyes had watered. Miroku, who was walking next to her, took her hand and nodded at Shippo.

Kagome turned to look at them, and felt her chest tighten. They were all hurting for the loss of her love, and she felt like they understood her. She locked eyes with Sango, and the taijiya nodded at her understandingly, gesturing for her to walk with them.

Kagome turned away, not really knowing why. "I'd like to stop," she said quietly, knowing Kouga would hear her.

"Sure," he said. "Yeah, let's stop. There's a hot spring nearby. You girls can relax," he stuttered. He wasn't used to having humans with him, and wondered what he was going to do. How would he feed them? How often did they need to eat? As he looked at Kagome, though, he realized that it wasn't the time for such ideas.

Kagome and Sango quietly drew a cloth under a tree and Miroku announced that he was going to go get some food. He swallowed a lump in his throat, realizing that he usually did that with Inuyasha. He looked over to Kouga who was set on hunting with him. It would be weird, but he had to do it.

As Kagome and Sango walked to the spring quietly, Kouga frowned. _'How long is it going to take her to forget about him?_' he wondered impatiently. Maybe he would have to take matters into his own hands…

XX

"Kagome," Sango whispered as they undressed.

"Hm?" was Kagome's answer.

"Don't you want to go back home?" When Kagome looked at her, she added. "To have some rest, of course. You… you _do _want to stay, right?"

Kagome thought she owed Sango a little talking. "Hai. I will stay. I have to finish what I started with…" She closed her eyes. She couldn't even say his name anymore…

"I understand, Kagome…" Sango whispered. "But I thought you'd want to go home for a bit to rest…" _'And take a break from all these emotions…' _

"No…" Kagome said, her voice seemingly broken. "Mama would ask what happened, Souta would ask where… _he_ is… and then my friends… nobody would understand how I feel better than you guys… And you all understand that I don't want to talk about it… I need to go through this alone…"

"Hai," Sango said, nodding her head. They both slipped in the water, assaulted by memories of catching the hanyou and Miroku watching them from a nearby tree.

Kagome closed her eyes. _'And he was really only watching us to make sure we were safe…' _she thought, the familiar feeling of her throat tightening making her breathe harder.

Sango looked at her, not knowing what to do. She wanted to bad to help her friend, and make her feel better, but she knew that it was all over now – that it was too late to make her smile the same way she used to, ever again.

"I'll never be whole again…" she whispered, as if reading her friend's thoughts. "I don't know how I can go on without him…"

"Kagome…"

"I can't," the girl from the future cried. "I just can't…" She finally broke down and sobbed, letting Sango wrap her in a comforting hug and stroke her hair.

"What happened to him…?" she wondered aloud. "What could have possibly killed him?"

She wanted to yell, scream, cry… anything to express the way she was feeling. She wanted to rip her hair out and scream his name… She just wanted him to come back, wanted him to hold her and tell her that everything was fine… She wanted to see him frowning and scowling, wanted to tell him to sit… anything that would prove he was really there.

It seemed like hours had passed by as she cried into Sango's shoulder. "Yash…" she sobbed. "How could I have been so stupid…?"

All Sango could do was hold her tight and stroke her hair. She could feel her best friend's pain as if it was her own, and never had she wanted Inuyasha to be there this much. She missed him too, remembering the time she'd tried to sit him.

"Kagome…" she said. "We all miss him…" and together they cried, mourning for the loss of their pack leader.

XX

"Kagome," Kouga said when he noticed that she had finished eating. "Aren't you hungry? You hardly ate…"

She looked into his eyes and could see genuine worry in them. She smiled slightly at him. "No, I'm not hungry…" she said.

Kouga nodded. "I'd like to talk to you," he said. _'Alone'_ he added silently.

Kagome got up and followed him, as Sango and Miroku cast each other weird looks.

They walked all the way to the woods, and when he was sure that the others wouldn't hear them anymore, Kouga sat her under a tree and settled next to her.

"Kagome," he said seriously. "We're all going to miss him, you know?" As Kagome nodded, looking away, he went on. "But you can't think that your life is over without him."

'_What's his point?' _Kagome wondered. _'Maybe I will get over this, but it's only been a couple of days…' _

"My point is," he said as he held her chin with two fingers and tilted her face so he could look in her eyes. "My point is, Kagome… that you should let me take care of that pain you're feeling now…"

Kagome frowned as she felt his lips descend on hers. She didn't know what to do, so she didn't do anything. His lips moved over hers, effectively stealing her first kiss, but she didn't react.

"Let me take away the pain…" he repeated, and she found herself wrapping her arms around his neck. She vaguely realized that she was kissing Inuyasha's rival, but it felt good to feel some affection, and she closed her eyes, responding to the kiss, and trying to feel Inuyasha instead.

She knew it was wrong, but when she closed her eyes and pictured her hanyou, all she felt was him… and she didn't want to stop anymore. Desperately, she clung to Kouga and opened her mouth to him.

Thinking he'd finally won, Kouga held her to him and pushed her down to lay atop of her. As his tongue invaded her mouth and tamed her own, Kagome only saw Inuyasha, only felt her love…

Kouga's hands slid under her shirt, and she moaned as his claws sliced her bra open and grabbed her breast.

He broke their heated kiss, moving his head lower to suck on her neck, preparing it to where he would place his mark, rejoicing in her moans.

Kagome felt the tent forming in the little fur he wore and gasped. He ripped her shirt and attacked one of her breasts with his mouth.

"I-Inuyasha…" Kagome moaned, arching into him.

Kouga's head snapped up, and his eyes flashed furiously. "_What the fuck did you just say?!"_ he growled.

Kagome's eyes opened with a start, and she realized what she'd been doing. "Kouga!" she said, horrified. _'What have I done?!'_ she thought, panicking and trying to get up.

"You fucking bitch!" Kouga sneered as he pushed her down. "You think when I fuck you, you'll be saying that mutt's name?! How dare you?!"

Kagome's eyes widened in fear. "Kouga… I'm sorry… Please stop, you're scaring me…"

"Am I?!" he growled. "Are you scared bitch?" He was ripping her skirt off now. "Because you'll be screaming soon," he stated with fire in his eyes. His claws made quick work of her panties, and a second later, a terrified Kagome found herself on her hands and knees, with Kouga hovering behind her. Without warning, he thrust his engorged manhood in her, and she screamed her pain. "You'll be fucking screaming, bitch!" he yelled. "And _not_ from pleasure!"

XX

And a little farther, around the fire, Shippo's eyes widened.

"What's wrong, Shippo?" Sango asked, worried. He had gasped and was now looking at the forest.

"N-Nothing…" he whispered, terrified by the howls and screams he was hearing.

"What's happening there?" Sango yelled. She couldn't hear or smell a thing, but if Shippo's face was of any indication of anything, something bad was happening.

She got up, staring at him the whole time and headed towards the forest.

"No!" Shippo screeched, jumping in front of her and grabbing her legs. "No, Sango! He'll kill you! He'll kill us all… starting with Kagome…"

Sango and Miroku both looked at him, visibly horrified, trying to imagine what was happening. "What… What is he doing to her?" Miroku asked, wishing what he had in mind wasn't true.

"He's… claiming her…" Shippo said. "By force…"

Sango's hands flew to her mouth as tears slipped down her cheeks. "Making her his mate?" she asked.

"Hai…" Shippo said. "But since Kagome is not willing, some things will not apply to her…" He had had long conversations about mating rituals with Inuyasha. "She will not feel his emotions, as mates usually do, and will not feel helpless when he is not around."

"So that means that if he dies, she won't die as well?" Sango asked.

"Sadly, she will…" Shippo said. "The intensity of all of this depends on how much she cares, or doesn't care for him."

Sango nodded. She wished she could have done something to help her friend… it seemed that everything was going wrong…


	6. Plan in the Making

**Chapter Six**

**A Plan in the Making**

The morning sun rays hit Kagome like a blow in the face. She opened her eyes to a forest she would never forget, with tears still staining her cheeks. Her skull hurt from having her hair pulled at so much, and the mark on her neck burned like nothing ever had. Being the reincarnation of a miko, Kagome had had long talks about mating with Kaede. She remembered their conversations very well; they were always picking herbs, away from prying ears, when Kaede was talking about mating with a demon – or half demon. Kagome always blushed, and pretended to think that nothing would happen, but secretly took mental notes of everything Kaede said.

"You cannot be the true mate of a demon you do not love," Kagome remembered her saying. "Many things will be different than a normal mating." She had not talked about it a lot, seeing as the only demon she thought Kagome might mate with was Inuyasha, and knowing that the girl from the future had strong feelings for him.

Kagome closed her eyes, assaulted by the memories, as she realized this pain in her neck might never subside. Maybe it was her body reacting to the mark.

She tried to move, but felt Kouga's arm around her waist pull her back. His manhood was still inside her, and his arm had imprisoned her the whole time they'd slept, so she had not been able to move. She winced, pulling on the muscles she had never used so much before in her life. Every second of her night with Kouga would be forever forged into her mind. He'd pounded into her practically all night, making her scream and beg. It had been so forceful; he had been so enraged… She shuddered at the memories. She'd passed out shortly after he'd declared them done, and had had horrible nightmares about Inuyasha.

"Good morning," Kouga said with his usual tone. _Is he going to act like nothing happened?_ Kagome wondered, hating the sound of his voice.

She didn't answer, and he didn't react. Wanting nothing more than to yell and scream at him, Kagome held herself. He might get so mad he'd make her go through the whole thing all over again.

He pulled out of her, and she bit her lip to stop the whine that was about to make her look vulnerable. She had promised herself, in the couple of minutes that she'd been awake, that she would never show weakness to Kouga. He pulled her up and she put on a cold face that surprised him, although he wouldn't tell. She wanted to cry as she tried to dress herself, realizing that her clothes were ripped, and that she'd have to let the others see her in this state. Her legs hurt, along with her bruised and burned knees… not to mention the burning and pulling sensation between her legs.

"I'll go get your bag," Kouga offered her, seeing her fumbling with her ripped skirt, and left without her answering him. A minute later, he was back with her bag as promised, and she took it from him silently. When she'd looked into his eyes, she'd wanted to hit him so bad it was eating up at her.

She looked down. "I need a bath," she said. "I'm going to go take one." She hadn't asked his permission, and she knew he might get mad at her, but she wasn't about to. Surprisingly, he just nodded, and Kagome wondered briefly if he was schizophrenic.

Silently, she made her way to the clearing that led to the hot spring. She knew Kouga was nearby to make sure nothing hurt her, and wondered if he would be watching. She looked around, expecting to see him standing under a tree watching her, but was surprised not to notice him anywhere.

She stripped off the shirt she'd been wearing and slowly slipped in the water. She hissed as her bruised and cut back connected with the warm water. She closed her eyes and just sat there for a second, hoping the pain in her back and nether region would just disappear.

As she silently replayed the events of the night she'd just been through, Kagome wondered why she was reacting the way she was. She didn't want to cry anymore, didn't want to tell anyone what had happened, didn't want to talk about it.

Strangely, she just felt numb.

She didn't move for about ten minutes, just reveled in the feel of her body in the warm water. She couldn't help but think that if she'd made love to Inuyasha, it would have been different… The more she thought of it, the number she felt. She didn't really understand why she was acting this way, but she just didn't want to feel a thing.

She reached behind her for her bag, and pulled out some shampoo. Untangling her hair appeared to be a lot harder than she thought it would be…

Memories filled her mind… The way he'd pulled on her hair to bare her neck, the way he'd pushed her upper body down for her to submit to him… all by her hair.

Kagome found herself scrubbing herself hard, feeling dirtier than ever. She washed her hair three times and scrubbed her skin so hard it burned. She then tried to relax into the water, letting her hand slide over her mark on her neck. It burned, and she realized it was probably because her aura was trying to push the claim away.

_Someone kill me,_ she thought with a groan.

The raven-haired girl stayed in the water for a long time, and then decided that it was enough. She rose, wincing as the movement caused her knees to go weak. She towel-dried herself then wrapped the towel around her hair when she was done. She pulled on fresh clothes, and went about tying her hair in a ponytail.

Walking back to camp, she tried to imagine what she would say when and if Sango and Miroku questioned her about her night.

She spotted them sitting around a fire, making breakfast. "KAGOME!" yelled Shippo in his little voice.

Her breath caught as he jumped into her arms. She held him, looking around. Sango and Miroku had gotten up and were walking towards her. Kouga was nowhere to be seen. The taijiya was the first to react. She gasped, her hand flying to cover her mouth when her eyes settled on the mark on Kagome's neck. "Kagome…" she said slowly, her eyes filling with tears as her fears were confirmed. "W-What happened?"

Kagome looked straight in her eyes, letting herself show a second of weakness. "Nothing important," she said in a voice that she did not recognize. "Nothing worth talking about."

Sango looked surprised, but didn't say a word. Miroku had been frowning the whole time. "Alright…" he said to break the silence. "What do we do now?"

Kagome looked at him now. Strangely enough, she had expected them all to change, yet they were still the same. _I'm the only one who got raped last night_, she thought bitterly.

She felt so unlike herself, as if she was wearing the wrong skin. She felt so cold, so un-Kagome. She didn't know what to answer him. What were they going to do? Would they stay with Kouga to finish collecting the shards to kill Naraku?

Suddenly, she didn't care about killing him anymore. She didn't see the point to her staying in this era anymore. She had promised Sango she would, but now, after being defiled the way she had, she didn't really want to spend any more time with the wolf demon.

_But he'll never let me go back,_ she thought miserably. How would she convince him to let her go home? She was his mate now. She couldn't just leave whenever she wanted to. She felt disgusted by the mark on her neck, wanted it to just disappear.

And suddenly all the consequences of it made themselves known. She would live as long as he would. If one of them died, the other one would follow. She wouldn't feel distressed without him, but he would feel distressed when she would be away. Most of all, he would feel her emotions, but she would not feel his. Remembering all the talks she'd had with Kaede, she missed the old miko.

And then the idea came to her, so easily that she thought she'd known what she had to do all along. She couldn't spend another minute with him and wanted to go back home – yet he would never willingly let her go back. So she had to trick him into letting her go back…

"We continue hunting for shards," she said to Miroku.

He looked surprised, but nodded. "With Kouga?" he asked nervously.

"Of course," a cold voice sounded from behind them. "Kagome cannot leave me now."

For a second, the wolf demon felt fury rising in the girl he now called his mate. Then he felt her calm down, and she said. "Exactly. I cannot." She had meant it to mean that she couldn't, but that she wanted to. And it made him angry. Very angry indeed.

"Pack your stuff," he snapped. "We're leaving soon." Then he turned to Kagome. "Do you sense any shards?"

Kagome closed her eyes for a second, realizing that what she answered now would either let her live happily, or make her life even worse. "Hai," she said finally. "I feel something coming from farther south, around Kaede's village."

Kouga nodded, and from the corner of her eye, Kagome saw Sango's eyes narrow. She had understood what Kagome was going to do.

XX

**::Hides away from unhappy reviewers:: **

**I know the chapter is really short – I know! But I just HAD to stop it there, I couldn't help myself… **

**At least I've been updating my fics like mad. This is the third in two days! **

**I promise the next chapter will be longer and more interesting. This really is just a filling chapter, but it has to be there at one point. Sorry if you're disappointed. **

**Love, IK Obsession **


	7. And You're not Mine

Chapter Seven

**I'm Still Here**

**Chapter Seven**

**And You're Not Mine**

Walking was painful. Sitting was painful. Breathing was painful. _Everything _was painful for Kagome. Especially thinking. Thinking about Inuyasha.

As they walked through the forest where Kagome and Inuyasha had that horrible, decisive fight, the young woman could think about nothing else. She stared at the trees surrounding her, wondering what had happened to her hanyou.

She closed her eyes for a second, trying to compose herself. But when she opened them again, she found Kouga glaring at her as if he had known exactly what she was thinking about. Who she was thinking about.

She held his angry gaze and just went on walking. "Isn't it anywhere near?" Kouga snapped. "I don't smell any demons."

Kagome's answer was cold. "No. I lost it a little. I think maybe the demon left… or concealed itself."

The wolf-demon growled low in his throat. Was the wench trying to make things harder for him? "Listen Kagome. I'm sorry about last night. I might have been a little hard on you, but you shouldn't take it out on me this way." Kagome's eyes widened for a second. Sango had gasped, and Miroku was trying to hold himself in place. Only Shippo had not reacted.

"You disgusting bastard!" Sango yelled. She took a step forward, lunging herself at Kouga to hit him.

"SANGO!" Miroku called after her. "Don't!"

Kouga growled at her and grabbed her hand in an easy movement. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," he said. "Now let's all go."

Sango snapped her hand back to her chest and let out a enraged yell. As Kouga proceeded to walk forward, she grabbed her Hiraikotsu. The wind was blowing in the right direction. "I'll kill you…" she whispered, and heard Miroku scream and Kagome gasp when she threw it. Kouga laughed and made a lunge for Kagome. "See here, taijiya! Hurt me and she suffers!" Hiraikotsu had missed him when he'd jumped towards Kagome, and it went flying right back into Sango's hand.

"You coward!" she screamed. "You fucking bastard!" She threw herself at him, unable to keep calm anymore. "I'll fucking rip you!"

Kagome and Miroku yelled for her to stop, and as Kagome freed herself from Kouga's grasp, she lunged forward and grabbed Sango's wrists, screaming, begging for her to stop. "Don't, Sango! He'll kill you," she added, a pleading whisper. Sango stared at her, raging, fighting her to let go so she could lunge at Kouga. Shippo was also screaming his fury, but a few meters away, not daring to approach.

Kouga just stared at the scene, a cold expression on his visage. He walked towards the two girls, and with a simple flick of his wrist, three slashes of blood appeared on Sango's cheek. Miroku was already on alert and had left Shippo to defend Sango. "NO!" was Kagome's scream as Kouga growled and hit Miroku straight in the face. With a single flinch, Miroku grabbed his staff and was about to hit Kouga back, but Kagome was faster. Thanks to her recent link with the demon, she sensed that he was really starting to get angry, and nothing would stop him from really hurting Miroku.

She let go of Sango and turned around to start running. She knew she had no chance to run away – it wasn't what she was trying to do.

Kouga's attention was violently taken by the miko, and he went right after her, forgetting all about Miroku and Sango. At once, Miroku understood what she was doing. "Kirara!" he yelled. The cat demon was faster than light as she appeared in front of him. He grabbed Sango and yelled for Shippo to come with them as he jumped on Kirara and she flew off of the ground. Sango was revolted. "I will not leave her alone! I won't! Let me down!"

But as she caught a look at Kagome's eyes, she went quiet. "I love you!" she yelled. Kagome smiled at her as she ran, a millisecond before being crushed by Kouga.

Sango's scream could be heard farther than Kagome's as Kouga slapped her. Furious at Miroku, she almost made him fall off of Kirara's back as she hit him. "I can't leave her!"

Miroku's eyes watered and he held her tightly against him. "Go, Kirara!" he screamed. "We can't do anything for her now. He could kill us in an instant. Don't hate me…" he whispered to the taijiya. "We'll be back after we've thought of a plan. We can't do anything now…" _'All I want is for you to be safe…'_

"He'll kill her!" Sango yelled frantically. "He's hurting her!" But they couldn't see them anymore, they didn't know what was happening.

"No." Sango turned suddenly to her front. Shippo was staring down at the scene, his eyes filled with hatred. "He won't really hurt her."

Sango looked at him, her mouth agape. "He's heartless…" she argued brokenly.

Shippo laughed ironically, and both Miroku and Sango flinched at his sudden attitude. His voice was different. He seemed like he'd aged about ten years in an instant. "The bastard won't hurt her because it would hurt him," he explained. _'Not because he has a heart.'_

Sango's expression hardened for a second, before she broke down again and let out a wail. "No! Let me go back, you hear me?" She grabbed Miroku's robes. "I CAN'T JUST STAY HERE!" she screeched.

Miroku did his best to calm her. "She'll be fine. We'll come back to help… Sango, please." He had to scream now, to drown her cries. "Think about what she did! She distracted him because she wanted us to leave!"

But nothing stopped Sango's cries and screams.

XX

Yet again, the morning rays hit Kagome in the face like a blow. All she could remember from the past night was pain. Slowly, she opened her eyes and turned from her side to her back. She was in a forest. She sat up slowly and realized that she was naked. Her whole body ached, yet she had absolutely no memory of the past night.

_When Kirara was no longer in sight, Kagome was finally at ease. She was crushed under Kouga's body, and he'd turned her so that she was on her back. He slapped her across the cheek twice, and she only allowed herself a single scream. _

"_You coward…" she whispered. "I-Inuyasha would have never lifted his hand to hurt me…" Not realizing how angry she was making him, Kagome opened her eyes to glare at him._

"_Repeat that, wench!" the wolf demon bellowed as he hit her face again. _

"_Coward!" Kagome yelled again, defiance in her eyes. She lifted her hand to slap him, and he made no attempt to stop her. "Coward! Coward! COWARD!" _

_He sneered as she let out a sob, and then everything went black. _

After that, Kagome could not remember a thing.

She got up slowly, looking for her yellow backpack. Kouga was nowhere to be seen. She took out a pair of fresh clothes and pulled them on, then looked for her journal.

There was no point in trying to run. She knew Kouga was close by, and he would know if she tried to escape. She wouldn't make it to Kaede's before he caught up with her.

Her eyes misted as she read:

"_Honestly, someone could make a book out of this journal. Tonight we found a shikon shard pretty easily. Inuyasha was in his human form, though. He got hurt at one moment and I was really worried. When Sango finished up the demon with her Hiraikotsu, I ran to him to check if he was okay. He was already turning back into a hanyou, which I found a little sad because I love his human form. He's so much more vulnerable, and weirdly become sweeter. But that doesn't mean that I don't love him when he's hanyou. All three forms of him are gorgeous. And there's something about his demon form – he's so hot when he's that dangerous… _

"_Anyway, as I was saying, when Sango finished off the demon I ran to him. He was getting better, but I leaned over him to look at his face. He looked into my eyes, and there was something different this time. He grabbed my waist and pulled me down to him. I lost my balance and was practically lying on top of him. He asked me if I was okay, when I was the one supposed to ask him that… He can be so adorable sometimes…" _

Kagome's cheeks were tainted with tears now, and she shut the journal violently, throwing it back in her backpack. She got up, and looked around. What would her life be from now on? Would she be forced to follow Kouga around for the rest of her days?

"No…" she whispered. She would die before letting that happen. _'Die? Is that what it's going to take to get me away from him?' _

Kagome's eyes misted yet again. When would she stop crying? Perhaps never. She was now alone with a demon that she did not love. She was not only with him, she was his mate. They were bonded for life. If he got hurt, she got hurt, and if he died, she died. They would go down together…whether they liked it or not.

XX

The night had not been good at all for Sango, Miroku and Shippo. All of Miroku's comforting had not helped the taijiya at all, and she hadn't been able to sleep a single second. How could she, feeling as horrible as she did? She felt sick with herself, felt like her skin was heavy, dirty. Her cheeks were stained of salty tears, and she hadn't spoken a word since they'd got off of Kirara's back.

"Sango… you know you can't blame yourself for any of this…" Miroku tried to reason with her, yet again.

"Well then who is there to blame? Kagome? I think this is entirely Inuyasha's fault!" She screamed, then gasped at her heartlessness. Inuyasha was _dead._ How could she still blame him?

Miroku flinched. "You don't mean that."

Shippo, who had been laying on his back watching the clouds suddenly sat up, staring at them. Swallowing hard, Sango stuck with what she thought. "Yes I do. If he wasn't so fucking stubborn and if he'd forgotten about Kikyo we wouldn't be where we are now! If he'd only admitted his feelings to her – "

The monk had had just about enough. "And if _she _hadn't gotten so bitchy over nothing, he wouldn't have even left, and they'd have been on a date now!"

"This isn't her fault!" Sango yelled, outraged. "It's _completely_ Inuyasha's fault. The stubborn baka!" And as she said that, her eyes misted and she started crying again – but for a completely different reason. She shook her head. "I miss him, you know?" she said, but her voice was hard. "I miss him but I really hate him for what he did to Kagome!"

"I can't believe you can blame someone who's _dead_!" Miroku couldn't believe her, and would never let her insult his best friend right in front of him.

"Of course she can!" Shippo exclaimed from behind her. "He shouldn't have left her like that, knowing very well that she would feel bad!"

"You don't even know how long he survived after he left! He _died_, Shippo! How can you expect someone _dead_ to come back?!" Miroku was so mad he could have slapped the small youkai.

And then it hit them all, as if they'd known it all along. What could possibly have killed Inuyasha? "The new moon…" Sango whispered. "The night Inuyasha turns human…"

Miroku's eyes widened in horror. "Who could have known?"

Shippo looked at them icily. "Kouga knew."

Both of them frowned. They would have defended Kouga before – but after what he'd done to Kagome, they couldn't know for sure. "Could it be?" Sango whispered.

XX

**AN: LOVES!**

**I know it's been **_**forever**_** since I've updated. I know, I really know. You probably read the last chapter - the AN. So here's the chap I promised, and I promise a lot more soon. Plus a couple of new plots coming soon! **

**I'm starting fresh, as I said, and I think the only story that I'm going to keep writing now is this one.**


	8. Awakening

I'm Still Here

**I'm Still Here**

**Chapter Eight**

**Awakening**

**AN: I won't have any end notes, because I don't want to ruin the end. I just have a few little things to say: first off, the chapter isn't really long, and I'm sorry about that, but it just demanded that I stop there. **

**Secondly, and this is important, I want to remind my readers that I will not stand for flames. I got a few disgusting reviews, and as immature as they are, I want to tell the readers who wrote them that if they don't like my fiction, no one is making them read it. Flames are stupid and useless, and I would have preferred not to even have to say this. **

**Putting that aside, I'm sorry this took longer than I meant it to. Things have been a little shitty on my end, but I promise that updates should be coming faster now. **

**So, again: **

**I'm Still Here**

**Chapter Eight**

**Awakening**

"Kagome," came a raspy voice from behind the girl. She startled awake, and turned her head violently. Kouga was standing next to the tree she'd been laying against. She'd cried herself to sleep a few hours after she'd read over half of her journal. She'd tucked it back into her backpack and had sat against a tree, curling herself into a ball and crying, angrier at herself than she'd ever been. She hadn't cared that she was naked. All she'd done was cry and claw at her arms furiously. She'd felt so dirty – so used, so violated.

So when Kouga appeared behind her, she stared at him for a few seconds, noting the fact that he didn't seem angry, and that his features weren't hateful like the previous day. "I need a bath," she said, realizing it might be the only thing that would make her feel a little better. All she wanted to do was scrub herself until she irritated her skin, until she could feel the heat of the water penetrating her pores. She'd never wanted to feel clean as much as she did at that moment.

Kouga almost flinched, but nodded. "There's a hot spring close to here. I was hunting to make sure that there weren't any demons around."

Kagome cocked her head and looked him in the eye a little longer. Was that concern in his eyes? That couldn't be possible after all he'd done to her. She shook it off, and got up painfully. Her limbs ached and it was hard for her to walk. She suddenly hated the fact that she was naked in front of him but didn't make a move to cover herself. She picked up her backpack so she could change after her bath. Kouga took a step towards her and she would never admit how terrified she was when he picked her up, held her bridal style and started to walk in the direction of the hot spring. She held her breath for a second, before she couldn't take it anymore. "Let go of me!" she shrieked, not caring about what he'd do to her if she angered him. "I don't want you to touch me!" She kicked and gesticulated, trying her hardest to hit him, claw at his face, hurt him – _something!_

However, he wouldn't budge. He kept his pace, as if she wasn't bothering him at all. He didn't even look at her, opting to stare right ahead instead. Kagome was screaming now, yelling nothings and just clinging to him as she tried to push her nails into his arms.

Less than a minute later, he stopped in front of the hot spring. She'd stopped trying to hurt him – it seemed that it was impossible. Kagome was surprised when he put her down gently, and she didn't move from in front of him. He looked into her eyes and she could swear he looked sad. Slowly, he leaned in and kissed her forehead. Then, he turned around and walked away, leaving her astonished and flabbergasted.

She watched him walk out of the clearing, and she was left alone. She noticed she was still clutching her backpack to her chest and let it fall to the floor. She dropped to her knees and just stared at the ground. What was happening? Was the Kouga she'd always known, the one she'd always considered a friend, coming back to her?

She got back up what seemed like an hour later, and slipped into the water. The need to clean herself was now gone, or rather remained slightly. Kagome scrubbed her body until she smelled of vanilla and strawberries, the shampoo she knew Inuyasha loved.

When she was done, she just closed her eyes and breathed in the soft scent of the wildflowers around the spring. She tried to calm down a little, but couldn't. All she could think about was Kouga's sudden change of personality, and she wondered, not for the first time, if he really was schizophrenic. She shuddered suddenly, and opened her eyes. She got out of the water and pulled her journal out of her bag. She wanted to write. And so she did – her pen flew over the paper, as she, yet again, let out everything that she was feeling. She'd never written this much, this furiously. Her letters were big, and the lines were traced deep into the paper. Before she knew it, there were tears staining the pages, and her hand had begun to ache, but she didn't stop. It felt better than anything to write down how much she hated Kouga, how much she missed Inuyasha, how much she wished she were dead.

All she could still do was hope that she was able to lead Kouga to Kaede's village and escape, without him realizing that there was a well there that could take her back to her time, where she would stay and never come back.

When she'd filled out enough pages for her taste, Kagome let out a long sigh, feeling a little better: She wasn't angry anymore. She wasn't relieved. She was nothing; but at least she wasn't about to jump on Kouga and try to murder him.

She had already dried in the sun, and she pulled on her clothes, noticing that it was the last uniform she had – Kouga had ripped all of her clothes. She was going to need new ones soon.

She swung her bag onto her shoulder and walked in the direction Kouga had taken earlier. She knew he would smell her coming towards him. And he did. "We need to find that shard now," he said.

Kagome nodded coldly. "I think I sense something coming from over there," she said, pointing to a random direction. As it turned out, she wasn't really sure where Kaede's village was. She would have to try to find her way, and when she did, she would change directions if necessary.

XX

The whole day, Sango had replayed in her mind every single moment she'd seen Kouga since he'd appeared a few days after Inuyasha's disappearance. She analyzed everything he'd said, every move he'd made, trying to find a loophole – something they might have all missed that indicated that he'd been responsible for Inuyasha's death. She sighed, going over the way he'd appeared for the seventh time in her mind.

"Stop it, Sango," Miroku said warily as he stared at her. They hadn't moved from the clearing they'd stopped in since they'd gotten there. They were all sitting around a fire, thinking. "It's useless to keep mulling around everything the man said and did. We have to find a way to help her anyway – whether it's him or not."

"You're right," Sango answered him, defeated. "But I can't seem to stop. I need to figure out if it was him. Somehow, I can't believe it…"

All three of them realized the gravity of what they were saying, yet all three of them recognized the possibility of it as well. "I'm sure it's him," Shippo kept repeating. "I could tell he was hiding something when the villagers announced to Kagome that Inuyasha was dead."

Miroku was the slightly warier one. He didn't want to suspect Kouga of something so terrible, so selfish. But as he stared as Sango, the woman he'd loved for what seemed like forever, he couldn't but wonder if he'd ever be that selfish when it came to her. _'No,_' he thought, angry at himself. _'I could never think that way – if Sango had ever loved anyone, I would have never purposely taken that person away from her.' _But Kouga had always been so sure, so confident that he was the right one for Kagome… what if he'd thought he was doing her a favor? _'We're getting away from the point,' _Miroku berated himself yet again. _'We have to help Kagome.'_

"Miroku?" Sango asked him. He realized he'd been looking at her the whole time he was thinking.

"Yeah," he said. "Sorry, I spaced out."

"I think we should go to Kaede's," Sango confessed. "I'm sure Kagome's going to try to lead Kouga there."

"That's if Kouga doesn't kill her first," Shippo spit out bitterly. "But you're right."

The houshi and the taijiya both stared at the young demon who, just a few days earlier, had been so innocent… Now he seemed to have lost all of his youth since Inuyasha's disappearance.

"Let's go, then," Miroku sighed. "Hopefully we can meet them there."

XX

The orange flames of the burning fire warmed Kagome's hands as she sat in front of it. She felt her face flushing from the heat, a weird feeling she hadn't experienced in a while – blushing…

Kouga was sitting across from her, on the other side of the fire. He got up, suddenly, and circled the fire to sit next to her. She didn't move, and didn't even flinch when he moved close to her and placed his hand on her lap. She knew what was coming, and she was determined to save herself some pain – she wouldn't provoke him: she would do nothing to stop him.

"Kagome…" he said, as gently as he could muster, and she found herself surprised. He took her into his arms, and she stumbled onto his lap. He felt warm; she couldn't stop herself from thinking, as she tried to focus on the humming of the forest – the howling of the owls, the crickets, the occasional bird swishing through the leaves of a tree.

The sky was dark, and the glow of the flames was the only thing permitting them to see each other well. He whispered in her ear, "I've always wanted you to be mine."

Kagome could only frown. Why was he being this way? What had possibly made him into the beast he'd been the past few days if deep down he could be this person? _'It doesn't matter, anyway,' _she thought bitterly. She was his now, even if she'd never wanted to be.

Yet in some sick way she felt good in his arms – she wanted to forget the new Kouga, the one she'd known the past few days, and go back to the old one, the one who always took her hand when he saw her, who showered her with love and affection. _'What's the matter with me?!'_ She wanted to yell at herself. He lifted her chin to look into her eyes and she suddenly felt ill.

He saw the disgusted look on her face and had to make a huge effort to stay calm. "You're mine, now," he said softly, as he traced a finger over her cheek.

Suddenly Kagome could take it no longer. "I'm not," she said under her breath. His finger froze. He cocked his eyebrows, silently daring her to repeat what she'd said. "I'm _not_, and never will be yours," she said, louder now, but her voice still a whisper. She thought of her hanyou, and imagining him in her head gave her the courage she needed, knowing that this night was going to be a new night of torture.

"Kagome," Kouga said warily. "I marked you as mine. You. Are. Mine. And you're going to have to fucking understand that."

She got off of his lap forcefully, and he didn't stop her. "I'm not," she repeated, her voice calm. "I'm not." She felt that she could go on repeating it forever – it was making her feel so much more confident that this would work, that she would escape him and leave.

"You'll realize it sooner or later," he snarled, getting up and hovering above her. She held in a gasp, suddenly not so sure of herself anymore.

'_He's going to hurt me again,'_ she thought, and the only thought that kept her from screaming was the hope that she'd find a way out of this mess – that she'd be able to go back to her time, away from Kouga, away from the haunting memory of Inuyasha…somewhere she could forget everything, and hopefully start over.

He lifted his hand and struck her – his fingers leaving their imprint on her cheek. _'No!'_ She gasped her surprise and couldn't stop her own hand from rising to grasp her cheek as her eyes widened. _'Inuyasha…'_ The wolf demon snarled as the second blow came…

XX

And somewhere far away, past a cliff, and across a river, golden eyes bled crimson as they opened…


	9. Fall Into my Lies

I'm Still Here

**I'm Still Here**

**Chapter Nine**

**Fall Into my Lies**

Kagome awoke, feeling no physical pain for the first time in days. It didn't even take a glance to know that she was alone. She couldn't feel Kouga anywhere near. She didn't want to move, didn't want to get up. She thought back to the previous night, when Kouga's arm had stopped, frozen in mid-air.

_His eyes were wide, and he lowered his hand slowly, as if unbelieving of what he'd done, and what he had been about to do. He stared at it in wonder, then lowered it still, very slowly, his eyes meeting Kagome's. She was worried for a second, terrified, even, because she really wondered what he would do to her. And, close to giving her a heart attack, he pulled her into his arms for the second time that night, crushing her to his body. She was too shocked to react. What was he doing? He held her close, inhaling her scent for a minute. She didn't move, and she was sure he could feel her heart thundering in her chest. He was whispering things to her, but she couldn't understand them, they were uttered so low. "Kagome…" he kept repeating. "Kagome, oh, Kagome…" _

_He stood there for a couple more minutes, and then pulled her with him until they were standing under a tree. He pushed her down gently, not letting go of her for a second, and laid down next to her, holding her against his body. She'd let him lay her down, and he cradled her head between his arms, crushed into his chest. She closed her eyes, thinking hard. What was he doing? Would he hurt her? Why _wasn't_ he hurting her? _

_He was still whispering things, angrier now, but he didn't seem to be talking to her, really. He was talking to himself. Kagome didn't move until she thought she heard something. Her eyes opened wide. It couldn't be… but as she summoned up the courage to lift her head and look at him, she realized that, yes, he was crying. _

Kagome remembered lying there, horrified and disgusted at herself for not wanting to take his vulnerability to her advantage and make a move to try to free herself. She groaned and wrapped her arms around her stomach. She felt so sick with herself for sleeping in his arms, for letting him touch her without trying to stop him. _I was just shocked_; she tried to reason with herself. _That's why I didn't push him off._ But had that been the only thing? She had to admit to herself that it hadn't felt bad to be held so lovingly. It reminded her of her first night with him, when she'd been so enthralled by his ministrations that she'd gotten lost in the illusion that he was Inuyasha.

Suddenly feeling sick, she got up hurriedly and ran towards the forest, where the clearing ended. She bended forward, held her hair up and out of her face and threw up, coughing out the meal she'd had the previous night. She sobbed as she drained her energy in retching. When she was done, she let herself fall backwards, wailing her distress. "Inuyasha," she cried, "Inuyasha…" Her eyes were closed, and her whole body ached. Her arms crossed over her chest, she dug her nails into them, wailing still, frustrated and disgusted. Her eyes opened, her face contorted into the most painful expression one would have ever seen. She knew Kouga was now very close to her. She could feel him taking a few steps from behind her. Letting out a loud sob, she got up, felt him stop moving. She ran out of the clearing, towards the spring she knew was close. She felt Kouga staring at her, his gaze burning holes in her back, but she didn't care. She approached the spring, and, on impulse, jumped on a rock, took a leap into the water, splashing it all around her. The water was cold, and the bottom wasn't very deep, and she hit her feet on it when she jumped. Completely under water, she didn't want to resurface.

The idea of staying there and dying occurred to her, and, as seducing as it was, she knew she would never actually die – her fragile, human body wouldn't allow her to drown. She knew how to swim, and she knew that even if she willed herself to stay motionless, her instincts would make her swim to the surface. And she did, hardly a minute later, gasping for air, sobbing, wailing, and screaming. Kouga was staring at her, standing beside a tree, and she was too miserable to feel any shame at her crying and screaming. She didn't care if he got angry and decided to kill her. She was thrashing in the water, splashing it about her, swallowing mouthful after mouthful of cold spring water, and coughing it out roughly, her throat threatening to give out. It was getting hard to breathe, and she felt the world darkening around her, before she felt Kouga's want to come rescue her. Opening her eyes wide, she moved fast, she swam to a nearby rock and grabbed onto it: she didn't want him to touch her. Assured that she wasn't going to drown, he didn't move, but didn't stop staring at her either.

Hardy acknowledging the fact that he was there, she cried herself to exhaustion, and when she couldn't support her weight in the water anymore, she pulled herself up with shaking arms and collapsed onto the rock she'd been holding onto, her eyes closing as she fell into the overwhelming darkness…

XX

Only two days later was Kagome sure that they were close to Kaede's village. Kouga hadn't tried to touch her since that day at the spring. After she'd fallen asleep, he'd carried her back under her tree, on top of her clothes. When she'd woken up, she'd realized that she had absolutely no clothes left, and another plan had materialized in her head. They'd walked practically without a stop for two days. Kagome was exhausted, her legs were throbbing, but the only thought that kept her from collapsing was that this was necessary for the plan.

When she was certain that they'd reach the village within an hour or so, she spoke up. "I'm exhausted."

Kouga looked at her blankly, as he'd been looking at her for the past two days. "I told you we should stop before," he said. He'd offered her to ride on his back, to which she hadn't even answered, and he'd also offered her to stop a lot more than once. They'd hardly stopped at night.

"If I'm not wrong," she started, her tone as convincing as she could manage – _Of course_ she wasn't wrong – "I think Kaede's village is near."

Kouga eyed her suspiciously. Had she been trying to lure him there from the beginning? Kagome was expecting that. "Which is fortunate," she added, "because I need new clothes."

He thought about what she'd said. He had ripped almost all of her clothes, and he knew she didn't have any left. "We can stop there," he hissed, "but only for a night."

_That will be enough, _Kagome thought, determined. "Fine."

What seemed like hours later for Kagome's tired legs, she heard the familiar sounds of the villagers chopping wood. "Youkai!" they all started yelling. Kouga was faster than them, though. He leaped in front of Kagome, his fangs bared, and his claws ready.

"No!" Kagome yelled. She stepped forward, standing next to Kouga. "We will not hurt you," she called out, "I just want to see Kaede!"

Kouga was growling at her side. She knew that after what she'd said, he wouldn't attack any of the villagers. A few of them recognized her, and stood, wary, while the others ran back to the village to get help.

In what seemed like an instant, dozens of men were running back to them, yelling both "youkai!" and "Kagome!"

Kagome places her hand on Kouga's arm, but he was already crouching dangerously, snarling. "Calm down, Kouga!" she yelled. She knew that if she hadn't been there, he'd have killed them all in a heartbeat.

"KAGOME!" she heard a female voice yell from within the crowd. Kagome's heart skipped a beat as she recognized Sango's voice.

The taijiya appeared in front of her just a second later, and though Kagome could tell she wanted to reach out and take her in her arms, she was wary of Kouga.

"All of you," Sango yelled at the villagers, without so much as turning toward them, "leave. Miroku and I will take care of this."

As soon as the last word had fallen off of her lips, Miroku was standing next to her, and the men were running back to the village.

"Kouga," Miroku said under his breath. The demon relaxed his stance, stood back straight, and glared at the taijiya and the houshi.

Kagome could not stop her heart from thundering in her chest. They must have known that she'd try to lead Kouga back to Kaede's, and they'd come to try to fight him.

Kouga had worked out something different though. "You planned this!" he roared to his mate. "You tried to trick me!" His eyes were furious, angrier than ever before.

Kagome's own eyes filled with panic. "No!" she screamed. "I had no idea they would be here!" She could tell Sango and Miroku were feeling terrible, scared that he'd hurt her because of them.

But Kouga's anger was blinding, and he would never believe her. He took a step towards her, but Sango was faster. Her hiraikotsu hit his arm and Kagome was sure that Sango had never thrown it with such violence. Kouga howled in pain, wrapping his hand around his arm.

"Sango!" Kagome shrieked, "Sango stop!"

The taijiya stared at her, uncomprehending. So did Kouga.

"We are not here to hurt anyone." Her voice was shaky. She knew using 'we' would reassure Kouga that she wasn't trying to trick him. "I'm not here for you to help me get away from Kouga," she continued. She knew Sango was more surprised with each word, but it was necessary – Kouga was being reassured that she wasn't running away. "I have no intention of leaving Kouga."

The last sentence struck her friends deep. Miroku and Sango's eyes were wide. Kouga was staring her down, questioning her words.

"I am only here to rest and get new clothes from Kaede."

Sango opened her mouth to say something, but Kagome spoke again. "Kouga and I are going to speak for a minute, and I will be back for clothes."

Every word had been hard to utter, but now that she'd said it all, and that Sango and Miroku were stunned to the ground, she turned her back to them and walked into the forest. Kouga was with her in a leap.

He stared at her, his fangs still bared, his eyes wide.

"I'm going to go into the village now," she said tensely. "You will wait for me close by. I will eat with Kaede, get new clothes, and be back by sundown." That gave her a rough five or six hours. She looked at him warily. "I know you don't trust me completely," she whispered, "but I also know that if I don't come back, you will slaughter the village. And we both know that I would never let that happen. I will be back by sundown."

Kouga eyed her, growling low in his throat. He grabbed her shoulder and pulled her to him gruffly. His lips crashed down on hers violently, and she didn't try to resist when his tongue parted them to sweep through her mouth, holding her close to him. When he broke their kiss, he let go of her and leaped away into the forest.

Kagome trembled as she walked back to where her friends were waiting. "Kagome!" Sango yelled and ran towards her. She took her into her arms and crushed her small body to hers. "Look at you," she whispered, "you need sleep!"

Kagome nodded. "I have to be back by sundown," she whispered, before she let the darkness engulf her.

In her dream, all she could see was Inuyasha. He was standing in front of her, his arms crossed over his chest. That was all she saw. Different words that she'd spoken, or that he'd told her, throbbed in her head, but the only image was his…

The last words she could endure were the ones she'd said to him before he'd left her. She woke up with a loud yell, damp, with tears smeared on her cheeks.

"Kagome!" she heard Sango yell. "Kagome! Are you alright?"

Kagome looked around her. She was in Kaede's hut, sleeping comfortably on a futon. The air around her smelled good: Kaede had prepared a soup that Kagome loved.

She then looked at Sango, whose eyes were creased with worry. She hadn't been sleeping much either, Kagome gathered. "Sango…" she whispered, her voice hoarse from the scream she'd let out earlier. "I'm fine, I just had a nightmare." Sango wasn't even listening to her. Apparently, she'd already figured out that her friend was okay and had gripped her in a tight, warm hug. Kagome didn't feel any comfort from the hug, she just sat there, one hand on Sango's shoulder.

"Oh!" she gasped as she realized the time. There wasn't much sun coming from the window – it would soon be sunset. "I have to go!"

Sango looked at her, her eyes wide. "But it's not sunset yet," she protested.

"I have to _go_," she rectified. "I have to go back… to my time."

Sango's eyes filled with tears, but she nodded. After all, she'd known that Kagome was trying to go back home for good.

**AN: **

**No, I don't like this chapter either, but I **_**had**_** to get something out. Sorry it's short, but I just had to post something… Next one should be out soon, though. See there's a part here that I don't really feel like writing, a couple of chapters, but after those, my favorite part of the story begins, so I'll be writing a lot more from now on – I'm excited to get to that part!**

**Thanks to Amber on IK-Eternal, for the review that just made me want to post this chapter, even if I wasn't completely happy with it, and even if it was too short… The next chapter is dedicated to you, and you'll see why! Thanks so much for the review. **

**Huggles. **


	10. Hold Tight to What I Know

I'm Still Here

**I'm Still Here**

**Chapter Ten**

**Hold Tight to What I Know**

Feeling tense, Sango walked out of the hut Kagome had been sleeping in to find Kaede. The old woman was standing right outside of the hut, humming to herself quietly, ever the calm one. "Kaede-sama," Sango said softly when she was beside the old miko. "Kagome needs – "

"Yes, child," Kaede nodded with a smile. "I know." She turned around and walked into her hut where she found Kagome sitting down on a futon.

The young miko got up, bowed to the older one, and sat back down. "Kaede-sama…" Kagome started. "I'm sure you know what I'm planning to do," she said. "You, of all people…" The older miko nodded silently, sitting down in front of the girl from the future, and Kagome went on. "You know everything already." It was not a question.

"I do." Kaede hesitated for a second before she continued. "I wish to tell you something, child." Taking a deep breath, Kaede quietly spoke. "You probably think your mate is acting strangely."

Kagome flinched. "Do not speak of him that way," she warned, instantly angry.

Kaede nodded, ignoring the young woman's tone. "Mating, for a demon, is a sacred act." Kagome shifted uncomfortably. "I know you do not want me to explain this to you, child, but you are wrong. Kouga's behaviour is completely normal." She noticed Kagome's violent reaction to this – her fists clenched, and she ground her teeth together. "As I said, mating is a sacred act. What Kouga did was a violation of that act. He took a mate by force. I do not know whether he understood what was happening or not, but when he tried to claim you, and you rejected him, he got angry, and decided that he'd make you his, even against your consent. That is a terrible act for a demon – it breaks them completely, rips them apart, until they do not know who they are anymore. Kagome, you must understand Kouga: once he took you by force, he changed. He does not wish to harm you – on the contrary, he loves you and only wants you to love him in return. Your rejection makes him act this way."

Kagome pieced it together. "He's schizophrenic…" she whispered. Kaede frowned slightly. Realizing that Kaede would not understand the meaning of the word, Kagome explained. "A trauma makes him have multiple personalities."

Kaede nodded. "Indeed, you can see it that way."

Kagome was shocked. It was hard not to hate Kouga, but when she understood the reasons for his actions, she couldn't help but feel sympathetic. Then she thought of Inuyasha, and when he turned full demon. He was capable of hurting her in that form, but not intentionally. Was it the same concept? Her eyebrows furrowed, and she questioned her want to leave for a second. If she figured out how to subdue him, how to act as his friend, maybe she could bring him back, calm him down.

Kaede, guessing what Kagome was thinking, broke the silence. "It is too late to change anything, child," she said. "The mating was against your will, and that is mostly what broke him. You can indeed calm him down, but only at times."

Kagome nodded slowly, staring at the ground. "I want to leave," she said. She looked into Kaede's eyes before continuing.

"Yes," Kaede agreed. "That is the best solution. You probably know that the pain he will feel because of your loss will not affect you."

Kagome nodded. "I can never be the true mate of a demon I do not love," she recited. Kaede had already said this to her a long time ago. Silently, Kaede got up and walked out of her hut, waiting for Kagome at the entrance. Kagome walked ahead of her. They headed for the well she'd gone through so many times, the well that she'd be going through soon. She glanced at Kaede for a second, nodding to her gratefully before turning her head back straight and walking silently. Memories, knives, were piercing every inch of her body. Every breath she took was like a blow to the stomach. No words were spoken while they walked. No words were needed. Sango and Miroku were there, too, walking silently behind them. Everyone knew that Kagome was leaving them, they knew that she no longer cared about the jewel, knew that she would never come back after she'd left. She would never again set place in the forest of Inuyasha, the village of Inuyasha… the era of Inuyasha.

When Kagome reached the well, Kaede, Sango and Miroku were behind her. She turned to face them. "Where's Shippo?" she asked in a voice she didn't recognize, a voice devoid of all emotion.

Sango could not bear to talk; she was hurting too much, watching her friend leave them like that. She still hadn't understood what was going to happen; she still didn't know whether she'd ever see her friend again.

Miroku was the one to answer the young miko's question. "He's back in the village. He…" The houshi hesitated. "He doesn't want to see you."

Kagome's smile was bitter as she stared at her friend. "Of course," she whispered. He could smell what the others couldn't, the defilement, the disgusting scent that clung to Kagome wherever she went. _Demon's whore… _

"Kaede," Kagome said as she turned to the old miko, effectively stopping Miroku or Sango from questioning her reaction to Shippo's absence. "I'm going to go through the well to make sure that the barrier stays up while I'm there."

Kaede nodded as watched her young student close her eyes and concentrate, something she'd watched her do so many times before, without anyone's knowledge. "Let the emotion fill you," she said softly. Many times she'd told Kagome to let go of any anger she felt before erecting a barrier, but Kagome'd never understood why. "Let the anger fill you this time," she whispered.

Kagome opened her eyes to gape at her mentor, her eyes wide. She closed her eyes again, thinking of everything that hurt her, everything that made her angry. Inuyasha's lips over Kikyo's in the clearing… Naraku… Kouga… Inuyasha's bloody haori, the man who'd claimed to have killed him, and finally, finally, what set her off the edge, her words to him the last time she'd seen him.

She heard a gasp behind her but blocked it out. More gasps. _Shut up. _She had to concentrate. The barrier had formed, she could tell, but it wasn't strong enough. She felt the power she possessed run through her body, extending all around her, electric, dark, _angry_. It was so tiring, so exhausting, that Kagome wasn't sure that she could hold up until she finished. She knew that she would only be able to try once. If this barrier wasn't strong enough, her whole plan would crumble to dust, and she would not be strong enough to try again. She doubted she'd _ever_ be strong enough to try again. But she kept thinking of the words she'd spoken to Inuyasha, and she let the hatred she felt for herself fill her heart, until she knew that the barrier was strong enough, that it was standing, strong, dark, and dangerous. With a last push, she made her barrier invisible. She opened her eyes slowly, her mind exhausted from the mental exercise. Kaede was looking at her sadly.

"You have true power, child," she said. "I wish I had had enough time to teach you how to use it."

All around the village was a barrier Kagome had learned to erect to defend herself and her friends. She'd hardly been able to let it protect Inuyasha and herself a few times before, but she'd been sure that she would be able to protect the whole village this time. Bitterly, she realized that it wasn't like any other barrier she'd ever erected. This one was dark, powerful, _violent…_

Sango was the first to understand. "It would kill any human who tried to walk past it, wouldn't it?" she asked. "It's not a purifying barrier." If Kouga ever crossed it, he wouldn't be purified, or killed, but he'd probably be knocked out to the point of forgetting why he was there. Kagome had thought this through many times. Long ago, when she'd been practicing with Kaede, the old miko had taught the young girl the difference between a purifying barrier, and a protecting barrier. Kagome had never been able to erect a protecting barrier strong enough to protect herself from a demon stronger than Shippo.

Kagome nodded slowly, disbelieving. She had truly done it. The whole village was under her protection, her barrier extending all the way to the well. "I'm going to go through the well. I will stay in my time for a minute. Kaede, Miroku, stay concentrated. If the barrier fades, you have to tell me."

Taking a deep breath, she climbed onto the lip of the well, hoping, praying, that her efforts wouldn't have gone to waste. Thinking of her family, and how happy they'd be to see her again, she jumped. She felt the familiar warmth that signaled that she was traveling across time, and then thumped onto the floor of the well. She looked up. Wood. Well-house. She was in her time. Resisting the urge to just stay there, she thought of what Kouga would do to her friends if she didn't go back. Deciding that a glance at the shrine wouldn't hurt, she climbed up the well, and got out. Walking a couple of steps, she faced the sliding door of the well-house. With shaking hands, she opened it slightly, and pressed her face to the crack between the doors. What she saw made her eyes water. Souta was walking outside the shrine with Jii-chan, while the old man told him a story about ancient youkai gods. Souta rolled his eyes, laughed, and said "Wait 'till Kagome hears this, she'll tell you how wrong you are."

Violently, Kagome shut the door. She took a step back shakily. What if the barrier had fallen? What if she _couldn't _come back? If she couldn't stop Kouga from killing her friends, she would never be able to go back through the well; she would never see her family again.

She shook her head. Any more of this and she'd be tempted to stay. She turned away from the door and back to the well. Slowly, she sat on the lip of it, taking another deep, shaky breath before jumping back into the darkness, terrified that it would be the last time that she did.

When she tumbled to the floor on the other side, she remembered the last time she'd done this, when she'd still been hoping that Inuyasha was going to come back. _But he left me, forever._ Concentrating, she felt her breathing stop. The barrier was still as strong as it'd been when she'd left. It was just as dangerous as it had been before. Disbelieving, exhilarated, amazed, Kagome climbed up the vines that she used to get out of the well.

"Kagome!" It was Sango's voice.

"The barrier is still as strong," Kaede told her. They were all standing exactly where they'd been standing before Kagome had jumped. She could tell Kaede was relieved that Kagome was back. She'd trusted the girl not to abandon them, but she knew that temptation was a tricky thing, and that Kagome could have decided to stay in her time anyway.

Kagome noticed that Shippo was now standing next to Sango. She did not want any goodbyes. Everyone knew she was leaving. She didn't need to say anything. The barrier was still strong. Kagome couldn't believe it. She was going back home. She was going to start over.

She turned to Kaede yet again. "When Kouga comes for me, he will notice that I am not here. Kaede, you have to promise me to stand close to the barrier, and convince him that I am not here before he tries to hurt you. If he's calm, he will notice the barrier. You have to anger him quickly." The old miko nodded understandingly.

Kagome then turned to her friends. She had expected to see them crying, but what she hadn't expected was her reaction. Or her lack of reaction, actually. She just stared at them, her face empty of any emotion. Sango was standing next to Miroku, who still hadn't uttered a word. She could see his eyes were full of tears, but she could tell that he was trying to keep them from falling.

Next to him, Sango was crying silently, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. A choked sob escaped the girl as she realized the finality of the happenings. Before Kagome could say anything, Sango had launched herself into her friend's arms, crying loudly. Without realizing it, Kagome was crying with her. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, surprising even her. "Kagome…" Sango sobbed. Said girl knew that her friend wanted to say more, but that she couldn't find the words. "I can't – I wish…" Sango was holding onto her shirt, clinging to it for dear life, "you have to come back… Once Kouga's weak he'll never come back, he won't try to hurt you anymore, you have to come back and stay with us…" She was talking so fast, sobbing, gasping for air. Kagome bit her lip, feeling guilty.

"No," she said. "I won't be coming back. I'm… I'm sorry, Sango."

Said girl held her friend tighter, no longer sobbing, but crying quietly. Kagome patted her back, strangely uncomfortable in her friend's embrace. She glanced at Miroku helplessly, and he walked towards the two hugging girls. He placed his hand on Sango's shoulder, and she let go of Kagome for the comfort of the houshi's arms.

"Kagome," Miroku said gravely, "It was a great pleasure traveling with you." Kagome knew he was still fighting off tears – not just because she was leaving, but because of everything else… because of Inuyasha. "We will miss you very much, Kagome-sama," he said with a smile. "I wish things had gone differently. You must know that we'll forever blame ourselves for letting…things…happen."

Kagome felt even more uncomfortable now. "You couldn't have done anything," she whispered. "This isn't your fault."

The houshi nodded, and Sango stepped away from him for a second when Kagome moved towards him, to give her space. The young miko smiled a little at her friend, and gave him a tight hug. "MIROKU!" she yelled only a second later. "I cannot believe, of all the times to grope me!"

The houshi now sported the mark of her hand across his cheek. He smiled sheepishly. "Well, I had to lighten the mood didn't I?"

Sango chuckled, and so did Kagome, for the first time in days. She was going home. She turned to Shippo, now. He was still standing behind her friends, kicking rocks with his little foot. He was staring at the ground, knowing that it was now his turn to say goodbye. Kagome hesitated for an instant, feeling the light mood completely die out. She glanced at Miroku and Sango, who were in turn looking at Shippo. Taking a deep breath, she took a step towards her Shippo, the adorable little boy she considered to be her adoptive son. "Shippo…" she whispered when she was only a few steps away from him. "I understand that you're angry with me. You want me to stay." Shippo didn't even look at her. "Shippo…" Kagome closed her eyes. "I know you don't understand everything that's happened. The smell – "

"I understand," he snapped at her, and she flinched. When had he ever been this way? "I understand. The only thing that was keeping you here was Inuyasha!" Kagome gasped at this, but before she could answer, he went on. "It was always about Inuyasha, wasn't it? You've always been in love with him, and he's always turned to Kikyo! But when you say a word about not being his, he goes and runs off and gets himself killed!"

Kagome gasped. "Shippo! Inuyasha was not - "

"Not only that, but when Kouga comes to announce that he's dead, you all start trusting _him_, when _he's the one who killed him!"_

Sango and Miroku both audibly gasped at this, and Sango yelled, "Shippo, stop, right now!"

Kagome was silently looking at the kitsune, her eyes unreadable. Angrily, he went on, his tone getting higher with every word. "It was the night of the new moon a few days after he left!" Shippo said. "But he was so stubborn that he stayed alone that night. _Kouga_ knew about the night of the new moon! _Kouga _was the one who killed him!"

Kagome's mind reeled with this new information. It had been the night of the new moon a few days after Inuyasha's disappearance. She had completely forgotten about that. "The new moon," she whispered.

"Yes!" Shippo yelled. "Kouga killed – "

He didn't have time to finish that sentence because Kagome interrupted him. "Kouga did not kill Inuyasha," she said. The kitsune glared at her, seething. "He did not kill Inuyasha," she whispered again. She looked straight into Shippo's eyes. "Shippo, Kouga did not kill Inuyasha." It was hurting her so much to say his name over and over, but she needed to convince the kitsune that Kouga was not a murderer.

Shippo growled at her. "It doesn't even matter," he yelled. "You're leaving anyway!" He stomped his feet on the ground, tears of frustration filling his eyes. He wiped them off angrily. "You were only staying because of him!"

Kagome closed her eyes. "Stop it," she commanded quietly. "Stop saying that."

Shippo wasn't done, though. "Admit it, Kagome! You were only staying because you were hoping that he'd forget about Kikyo! But even after her death he was too stupid to see what was right in front of him! You've always loved him, and he's never – "

The slap echoed throughout the woods. "I said, stop it." Shippo had stopped talking instantly. Kagome's strike had left everyone speechless. She'd never so much as yelled at him.

Kagome got up. This new information was too much for her. Of course, she'd always wondered what had killed her hanyou, but she'd been satisfied with the explanation that he'd been hurt, and unsuspecting, when the human man, Hadushi, had struck a final blow to his chest. If she tried to think about it calmly, she realized that Inuyasha would have never let himself be in a position of weakness without the excuse of turning human on the new moon.

But then, who would try to kill a human? It must have been someone who already wanted to kill Inuyasha. Someone who knew of his weakness. Who else but Kouga knew? Kagome didn't have much time to ponder this, though, because she suddenly gasped and turned to Kaede.

"Someone's approaching the barrier!" she yelled. She could feel it. Someone was walking towards her barrier. But… "It's not Kouga…" she whispered, terrified. If it wasn't Kouga, who could it be?

**AN: **

**Don't kill me! Any guesses to who it is?**

**I'm currently writing the next chapter, so it'll be up very, very soon. **

**Amber, the **_**next**_** chapter will be dedicated to you, sorry. I wasn't expecting this one to be so long. You'll see in the next one! There's something that you were the only one to notice, and it'll be stronger in the next chapter…**

**This chapter is dedicated to **_**kanamearamhagiL, **_**or **_**Steph**_**, because your review was one of the nicest I've ever read. I hope I'm not disappointing you with this chapter. I'm not particularly in love with it. **

**Thanks for the feedback, everyone, give me some more!! :) **


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